Circle Of Deceit

I had something of an epiphany late last night about my drinking habits, but in the spirit (no pun intended) of being a total screwup, I've completely forgotten what it was. I'll try and remember in the course of this blog post, so apologies if this one is a bit of a rambling rant. I do recall that it involved a couple of hot chicks, so I might as well start there and see if I can thrash it out..

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McGrathy and I met two very nice women on Saturday in The Empire. They were a couple of attractive blonde teachers (!) aged 28 and 30 respectively, and they hung out with us all night. They even gave us a lift home, allegedly beacuse we made them laugh, though in retrospect they didn't specify if that was because of our witty banter or simply because we're laughable. (They thought we were brothers, initially. Not sure who that's a slur upon. :P) Anyway, the reason I mention them is because they're both teetotal. Upon hearing this I felt a strange wave of mixed emotions which I've been trying to pick apart since then. I think now I've realised what they were: disappointment, embarrassment and shame, in no particualr order. Hmm.

I was disappointed because, without their being suitably 'refreshed', I felt the ladies would no doubt be perceptive enough to see through my fragile veneer of confidence to the emotionally crippled schoolboy lurking underneath, and also obviously because there was considerably less chance of scoring that way (retarded I know, but stick with me here). I guess the embarrassment arose because the idea that someone could go out, socialise and have a good time without inebriation seems to have become a become a completely foreign concept to me, a fact no doubt obvious to all parties concerned. From there, I guess, arose the shame - that I would position alcohol as the glue holding the entire social interaction (which was going extremely well) together, with everything doomed to fail if it was taken out of the equation. I think I managed to disguise the gears turning in my head from my companions, though - and besides, I was already fleeing towards the bar at this point.

This story isn't actually going anywhere - I'm just using it as a background. The four of us chatted for ages, danced like loons, got some food, they dropped us home and we all agreed to meet up again. So anyone reading this looking for some juicy gossip is, I'm sorry to say, going to come up short. (They're Christian as well, so I guess it was a foregone conclusion - and that's a slight on me, not on them.) But the entire experience left me wondering exactly what the point of me drinking is. If it's to relax me and loosen my inhibitions then it fails miserably; indeed, it can actually heighten them if it's not a factor in some way, as was the case with the teetotal girls. Why, exactly, does anyone drink? Is it to feel included in some kind of social agreement or ritual? Is it a crutch or a mask for insecurity, shyness and lack of self-confidence? In reality it's all these and more. It's part of the culture, unfortunately. My wide-eyed response of 'really?!' upon hearing of my companions' abstinence was a reflex action not only because of the emotions I felt as a result, but also because it's simply quite a rare thing these days (at least in the circles I move in). And as much as I've denied it in the past, I can see now that my heavy drinking is undertaken in some fatally misguided attempt to supress my own insecurities and fears, be it in a crowd of strangers or even among my close friends. Obviously, this is ridiculous and pointless behaviour. (It's not like I become Prince Charming when I have a drink, by any stretch of the imagination.)

Thing is, I've long recognized this fact and the simple steps necessary to change things. So why can't I? Fear, as always. It's like having my safety net taken away. Without alcohol, I'd need to concentrate on other ways to relax and unwind like, oh I dunno, spending time with my friends or working on music or visiting my family more or any number of other things. Without alcohol, I'd have to actually put some effort into conversing with other people, and - God forbid - I'd actually have to try and deal with my own insecurities in a sensible and measured fashion. Worst of all, I'd have to take responsibility for my actions when I offend someone, do something stupid or hurt someone's feelings, instead of just being able to say 'sorry, I was wasted'.

Naturally(?!) these are all terrifying prospects. But enough is enough. Quite apart from the multiple memory lapses, creeping paranoia, irrational guilt, crushing headaches and devastating bowel movements that follow my average night on the lash, I'm tired of trying to cover up my own problems by creating another one. Shame is not a nice feeling, and besides, you'd think a total control freak like myself couldn't abide the thought of surrendering his mental faculties to toxins for any length of time, let alone three or four times a week.

I'm not going to stop drinking altogether, because that will make it seem like an insurmountable obstacle. I'm going to scale back considerably though. I want to experience what it's like to be in a room of drunk people when I'm sober, because I can honestly say I've never done it before in my life. 2008 is going to be about new experiences - new job, new places, new people - and I think that sobriety would be a fascinating way of looking at old situations with a fresh and, hopefully, insightful pair of eyes.

Sorry, I warned you that would be a lengthy rant!

NJM